Cemetery Project - The Dead Can Tell Us A Lot About Life

    It was a beautiful fall day, the Sunday that my daughter and I picked up my mother and took a ride out to Calvary Cemetery in Roslindale (my mother grew up in Roslindale). I thought this project would be a good bonding experience for the three generations of women left in my family.  When my mother dies, we come to the end of her family lineage.  All of her family members are deceased except her two neices; who live in another part of the country.  Sadly, there were no boys born into the family to carry on the family name.  So it is important to my mother that we carry on some family traditions.  One of them will be to visit our family plots at Calvary Cemetery. 

        This goes back to the chapter in The Sacred Art of Dying that refers to the Chinese Attitudes Toward Death.  They believe that it is important to show reverence to your ancestors.  By visiting family gravesites, the dead are not forgotten.  It is important to show respect and reverence for those family members who lived and died before us.  They are our past, we are their future.


http://www.bostoncemetery.com/mtcalgal.htm

    
     This cemetery has approximately 5,000 plots.  The earliest stone I found said 1814 on it.  The newest grave I saw was 2010.  The cemetery is divided into sections.  There is the oldest section, the old section, the newer section and the Veteran’s sections.  There is a chapel on site.  The older sections are hilly and have more character.  The newer section and the Veteran's sections were completely flat.  My family plot is located on a hill near the chapel on St. James Avenue.  Each road is labeled.  The cemetery is well maintained.  You can plant flowers at the grave sites.


     In the old section, there were many overgrown graves.  Most of them were from the early 1800’s.  The cemetery is a mix of really old stones with beautiful intricate carvings on the stones.  On some of the white stones, the lettering had been worn away from time and the elements.  Some stones were cracked and others were knocked over.  There was a small office on the premises.  It was closed on Sunday.  In the oldest section, there was a crypt.  It was erected in 1866.  There was a pad lock on it.  My mom told me that during the Influenza Epidemic, they would store the coffins in these crypts all winter and then bury them in the spring when the ground would thaw.  I thought that was interesting.  Usually the markers that were ground level were of babies that had died. 


     I found an interesting stone, it read “Pioneer of Baseball - Champion of its Integrity - Gifted and Fearless Writer - This monument was erected by The American League”  I googled Timothy Hayes Murnane and came up with some interesting information about him.


http://www.biblio.org/whittemore/murnane.htm


     There were a lot of religious statues, angels and crosses.  There were also a lot of Celtic crosses and Irish names in the section where my family plots are located.  I somehow found it comforting to know that when my mother dies, she would be with her family and would be surrounded by such beauty. 


      The cemetery is for the living.  It gives us a place to go and sit and reflect on our relationships with our loved ones who have passed on.  It helps you to put life into perspective.  Visiting a cemetery reminds us of how permanent death is.  It makes you realize that we will all be dead and buried someday; some sooner rather than later.  It's not how we die that is important, it's how we choose to live that is matters.  If you can look back at the end of your life and say, "I made a difference."  Then, your time here was not waisted.  You get out of life what you put into it.


     I recently knew of a man who lived his life only for himself.  He never did anything for anyone else.  He was probably one of the most selfish people I have ever met.  Unfortunately, he died alone, his family never even put an obituary in the paper for him, there was no funeral service and no one mourned at his death.  It was very sad.


     Like in the movie "Scrooge" where Ebenezer Scrooge is shown his own tombstone.  He sees how overgrown and unkept his gravesite is.  He is brought back to a scene where people are selling off his things and saying that they were glad he was dead.  He begins to see how sad it was to live such a selfish existence.  He is later brought back to his past where he remembers a time in his life when he actually was happy and he was engaged in life.  Greed gets in the way and he becomes jaded.  Finally, he comes to the conclusion that if given another chance, he would live his life differently.  He would be generous with his money, he would be of service to his community, and he would become a part of his family again.


     A similar scenario plays out in the movie "It's a Wonderful Life."  George Bailey has been accused of stealing money from The Building and Loan Company that he runs.  He is so humiliated that he wishes he were dead.  He has a small life insurance policy in his pocket and he thinks that he is worth more dead than alive.  He has lost all hope.  He sits at a bar and prays for the first time in years.  He asks God to show him the way.  An guardian angel is sent down to show George just what a wonderful life he has.  George gets a chance to see what life would be like without him.  He begins to see that if he hadn't of been born that some of his loved ones would have died and some would never have been born at all.  In the end, he see just what a wonderful life he has.  He is given another chance to live his life with purpose and meaning.
    
     Also, as in the book, Tuesday's With Morrie, Morrie is given a unique opportunity to teach his final lessons on life.  He shares his wealth of knowledge to his former student, Mitch Albom.  Mitch is going through life with no thought for the future or whether he is making a difference.  Only when he learns of his old professor's impending death does he stop to go visit him; mostly out of guilt.  As they begin to meet every Tuesday, Mitch begins to understand that he is just letting his own life slip by without any real meaning to his existence.  Even though Morrie himself is dying, he teaches Mitch how to live a life with meaning and substance.  In the end, after Morrie dies, Mitch is given another chance to wipe his slate clean and to start over.  But this time, he's going to get it right.  Thanks to Morrie.


     Everyday, we are given a clean slate.  We can write on it whatever we want.  We have the opportunity to reinvent ourselves into anything we want.  I wonder, what will I write on mine?

    









    

Just One More Day

The Perfect Day with My Mother

     If I knew I had only one more day with my mother (who is 81 y/o and in poor health), I would not want to travel to a far away place or do something totally out of character for either of us.  It would be a day like any other day.  A day where every minute had meaning.  Every thing we saw, did or tasted would somehow be made that much sweeter.

     We'd start our day by going to her favorite restaurant (breakfast only) on Center Street in West Roxbury.  We would order the "Irish Breakfast" (something she is not supposed to eat anymore). We would take our time eating and talking over a nice cup of coffee.  We would enjoy every bite of breakfast.  Savoring the flavors that reminded us of the trip we took to Ireland years ago. 

     We would then go to a few of her favorite stores.  She loved to look for a bargain.  After a few hours of "poking around," we would take a ride to Denton Terrace (off Washington Street in Roslindale).  Back to her childhood home.  Her grandfather's house.  A place that held all of her happy childhood memories.  She loved to talk about Denton Terrace and her family.

     After visiting her childhood home, we would stop at the cemetery.  She likes to visit her family plot.  The plot where she will be buried.  It gives her comfort to know that she will soon be with her family once again.  She will be with her grandparents, her parents, and my brother Danny (who died when he was 4 years old).  Her beloved aunts and uncles are buried all around them.  She feels that once she's buried there, she will be back in the loving arms of her family - home again.

     We then take a leisurely ride down Turtle Pond Parkway.  We eventually end up in Norwood.  We go to dinner at her favorite Italian Restaurant (The Venice Cafe').  We order Veal Parmesan (another food she is not supposed to eat).  We would sit and talk about the family.  We'd laugh and linger for as long as possible.

     We would then drive back to Dedham (a town she has lived in for the past 63 years).  We would go to her favorite bookstore "The Blue Bunny."  She would pick out a couple of really good books for her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  She is an avid reader.  She has passed down her love of reading to me, her grandchildren and, now, her great-grandchildren.  I would then promise to mail them for her, but I would promise myself (inside) that I would hand deliver the books to my nephews, in Arizona, and my grand nieces, in Maine, personally. 

     Then we would walk across the street to the old "Movie House" in Dedham square.  We'd order popcorn with butter (another no no) and drink sodas.  We'd watch some off-beat movie and laugh until we cried.  We'd take our time leaving the theatre.  She'd tell me about the time she worked there when my oldest brother was just a baby and how the theatre hadn't changed.  It still looked the same as it did back then. 

     Finally, I would bring her home.  I'd stay for a while, lingering, not wanting the day to end.  I'd ask her if she wanted me to stay.  She would say, "No, we had a perfect day; let's leave it at that.  Go home to your family."  I'd say, "Okay Mom.  But, just so you know, I love you."  She'd say, "I know, I love you too."


    

We're Off To See The Wizard

Success Built to Last: Creating a Life That Matters

The Silent Scream - Why It's So Dam Hard to Do What Matters

"It's like the Wizard of OZ.  We're looking for a wizard seeking a heart, a brain, courage, and the wizard says you already have these things.  All you have to do is to use it.  When you believe in your great indomitable self, then all things are possible (87)."
                                                                     - Marva Collins

     We all have inside of us what we need.  We don't have to look any further than our own backyard.  We spend so much time looking externally for the things that will make our life matter.  When all we really have to do is look inside of ourselves.  It's all there.  You just need to learn how to tap your own resources.  We are all unique individuals with the ability to do great things in life.  If only we would begin to believe in ourselves.

"Happy endings come from listening to that little voice inside your head - some call it the whisper - about what matters to you.  It is a voice that echoes, through every cell in your body, straining to be heard like a silent scream.  It's a nagging, often irritating "need" craving a response (88)."

     If we spend our whole life ignoring what we really want to do, we will never be fulfilled.  Most of us are told, you have to get a job.  Do something that will allow you to have gainful employment.  Even if what you really want to do is paint, write, or sing, etc.  They'll tell you, you can't do that.  You'll never make any money.  How will you be able to support yourself doing that?  So you go against that little voice inside you, even though you know you shouldn't.  You take that 9 to 5 job that pays the bills and you end up miserable.
   
     What might your life be like if you had listened to that voice.  Money isn't everything and life is short.  Just go for it.

The Oxford Book of Death:  Graveyards and Funerals

"In life I was the town drunkard;
When I died the priest denied me burial
In holy ground
The which rebounded to my good fortune.
For the Protestants bought this lot.
And buried my body here,
Close to the grave of the banker Nicholas,
And of his wife Priscilla
Take note, ye prudent and pious souls,
Of the cross-currents of life
Which being honour to the dead, who lived in shame (126)."
                                     (as above) - 'Chase Henry'

     I think it is ridiculous that a religious person, such as a priest, can sit in judgement of another.  It seems to me that these people who profess to be religious are some of the most judgemental people on Earth.  Instead of being humble and forgiving, they are righteous and cruel.  Because this man was an alcoholic, he didn't deserve to be buried just like everyone else?  Have pity on his soul.  I think it is ironic in this poem that even though the Catholics would not give him a final resting place amongst them, the Protestants would.  Was this their way of getting back at the Catholics, or were they just more forgiving and less judgemental?

"Tell me good dog, whose tomb you guard so well"
"The Cynic's." "True; but who that Cynic tell."
"Diogenes, of fair Sinope's race."
"What?  He that in a tub was wont to dwell?"
"Yes: but the stars are now his dwelling place(126)."                           Anon, tr. John Abbington Symonds


     I do believe that dogs have souls.  They are extremely intuitive.  They sense our feelings.  They are sad when we are sad.  They are happy when we are happy.  They love us unconditionally.

     I recently watched a movie on Lifetime TV called Hachiko.  It was about this dog named Hachiko that would meet his owner at the train station everyday at 5:00 p.m.  One day his master died.  Hachiko would run to the station and wait for his master; who never came.  His master's family came and took him home.  He just kept running away to the train station everyday at 5:00.  Finally, they let him go.  He lived at the station from then one.  People knew what he was doing and they felt bad and started to feed him and give him water.  The local newspaper go a hold of this story and it touched so many people, that it went national.  People started to send money to the train station.  They set up a Trust for the dog.  It took care of his food and vet bills.  The people at the station took care of him until he died.  When he died, they resurrected a statue in his honor right on the spot where he sat waiting for all those years.

                            Waiting

What must a dog feel when his beloved master has gone.
Who can tell them what has happened; no one. 
What do dogs know of the passage of time; nothing 
Who will help him grieve his loss; no one. 
He grieves alone in silence; waiting....
                                                                  - T. M. Allen


The Sacred Art of Dying:  How World Religions Understand Death

Tibetan Attitudes Toward Death

"From the Tibetan viewpoint, it is during periods of change that the greatest possible growth occurs.  This is why death is the ultimate change in life, and if one allows himself or herself to die to self before dying, at death all confusion will cease in the peace of that last moment (78)."

     If you give up yourself to the idea of death when you are still alive, not only will you live more fully, but at death, there will be a total surrender and lack of sadness and regret.

Analyzing a Major Loss

The Death of My Father

     My father died on October 4, 2000; my 40th birthday.  Most people, when I tell them this, they feel sorry for me and say how terrible that must be.  They think that his dying on my birthday should ruin my birthday from then on.  I don't see it that way.  First, I take the time to remember my father on that day and then, I celebrate my birthday.  They are the same, but different.

     It was the beginning of October when I got the call from my brother Ed.  He said "Dad had a stroke, you need to come to the hospital.  It doesn't look very promising."  I was in shock.  I had just seen him the night before.  He was in the hospital to get his gallbladder out (a relatively minor surgery).  He looked good.  He was in good spirits.  I had baked him his favorite pie; apple.  We sat and talked and ate our pie.  Little did I know that they would send him home in the morning and he would have a stroke that afternoon.


     Almost six months to the day, my father had told he had Leukemia.  I didn't believe him.  I was in denial.  I never thought about either one of my parents dying up until that point.  It was only when I called my father's oncologist and he told me that it was, in fact, true, that my father did have Leukemia and he only had about six months to live.  It was then that I finally started to come around to the reality that my father was going to die.  I don't think I ever fully accept it though.


     I rushed to the hospital.  He was in a coma.  The neurologist said that he had a massive stroke at the brain stem.  This was a result of his white blood count plummeting after his surgery.  There was little chance of recovery.  Also, because he was terminally ill with Leukemia, they would not be continuing the blood transfusions and medications to treat the Leukemia. 


     My father stayed on Life Support for a week.  At that time, we were approached by the staff at the hospital and explained our options.  We were asked to make a decision for him.  Since he did not have a Health Care Proxy, we had to get together, as a family, and make the decision for him.  Based on the information we had received from the hospital, and what we thought our father would have wanted, we came to the conclusion that we should remove him from the machines. 


     We had a priest come in and give my father his "Last Rights."  One of my brothers pointed out that they saw a tear run down my father's face.  As I was holding my father's hand, I felt him squeeze it just a little.  I believe that he was saying goodbye to me.  He was still breathing on his own after being taken off the machines.  His breathing was shallow. The doctors said that if he survived until the next day, they would put a feeding tube in at that time.   At 2:00 a.m. that evening, I received the worst call I had ever received up until that moment. 

          My father had passed away peacefully without the machine attached to him.  I was glad that I was not there to see him take his last breath.  I don't think that I was emotionally mature enough to handle that at the time.  I was the closest person in my family to my father.  I was the only girl out of eight children.  


     Deep down, I know that even though my father did not put it down in writing what his final wishes were, under these circumstances, I know that he would not have wanted to die hooked up to a bunch of machines.  So taking him off of the machines was the right choice.  It was probably the hardest choice I have had to make in my life to date. 


    

In Our Society: Mourning is a "Dirty Word"

Success Built to Last: Creating a Life That Matters

Why Successful People Stay Successful - Integrity to Meaning

"The purpose of life is not to be happy.  It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well (69)."
                                                         - Ralph Waldo Emerson

     Everyone wants that elusive thing called "Happiness."  We, especially Americans, spend so much time spinning our wheels trying to make ourselves happy that we lose sight of the big picture.  If you stop thinking about yourself so much and turn your attention to helping someone else, you will get a real sense of deep personal satisfaction.  A feeling that you can't get from a new car, a bigger TV or the biggest house in the neighborhood.

"Each of us has to struggle in our own individual way to achieve a measurement of success (79)."

     Success is measured in our own minds.  We all have to decide for ourselves what it is that makes us feel successful.  What one person sees as success may not appeal to us.  We are all individuals; unique.  How could one cookie-cutter idea of success fit us all.  It's impossible.  There are so many avenues in life to explore.  If you try something and it fails, try something else.  It is all trial and error.  You learn more from your mistakes than you do from your successes.  You may be surprised at what you find if you just have the courage to step outside of the box.
    
The Oxford Book of Death: Mourning

"When I am dead, my dearest,

sing no sad songs for me;

Plant thou no roses at my head,

Nor shady cypress tree:

Be the green grass above me

With showers and dew drops wet;

And if thou wilt, remember,

And if thou wilt, forget (119)."

     We should not feel sorry for the ones that go before us.  They have moved on.  They cannot feel pain or sadness anymore.  We should be grateful for the time we had together. 

     It is up to us how we choose to mourn our loved ones.  In this poem, the author is saying, don't go to great lengths to mourn me when I'm gone.  If you want to remember me, fine.  If not, that's okay too.

     Once a person is gone, we should take the time to mourn and grieve for them.  We need to allow ourselves a chance to go through all of the stages of grief.  Once we are done mourning, we should let them go and move on.  This doesn't mean we don't love them, or that we will not remember them.  Life goes on.

The Sacred Art of Dying: How World Religions Understand Death

Zen Attitudes Towards Death

"The secret of Zen of course is to dwell in nirvana before one dies, so that there will be no death left to die (65)."

     I think that to live in a state of nirvana, you have to live in the moment.  You need to accept that life is a part of death and death is a part of life.  Don't go through life with blinders on pretending that death won't come knocking at your door; because it will.  We all have to experience death.  At some point, we all have to die.  We need to face the fact that all of our friends and loved ones will eventually die too.

Reflection

     I think the world "Happiness" should be stricken from the English language.  Happiness is an illusion.  An unrealistic expectation that has been shoved down our collective throats.  It only serves to set us up for future failure and long-term disappointment.  Very few people experience real happiness.  It's not usually the ones with boat loads of money either.  I think that people who do find a measure of happiness in their lives are people who appreciate the simple things in life:  a loving relationship with spouse and/or children, a good friendship (if your lucky) an appreciation for art/music/nature, and, mainly, a sense of purpose and usefulness to others.  

     We all need to learn how to grieve.  If you don't grieve properly, you will get stuck and never get over that person's death.  Just like there is a process for living, and a process for dying, there is a process for grieving.  Then, you start the process all over again.  It is the "Circle of Life."

     Unfortunately, our culture does not want to see death, accept death, or deal with death.  We quickly whisk the body away so no one has to look at it and we then proceed to sweep the subject under the rug again.  We stuff our pain.  This ultimately leads to depression, substance abuse and even suicide.

     If we could look at death honestly and talk about it openly, we would be a much healthier society as a whole.  We would have less mental health issues, less people dealing with addition and would see a significant decrease in the national suicide rate.

     Personally, I have seen this scenario play out in my own family.  My brother, who was 20 years old at the time, committed suicide because he could not get over our other brothers death.  His closest brother died when they were very young.  No one ever talked about him.  He never understood how his brother, whom he loved dearly, could just disappear.  He never got over it.  It was swept "under the rug" and never dealt with.  If it had been dealt with in a healthy manner, maybe my older brother would still be alive today.

The Hour of Death/Suicide

The Oxford Book of Death:  The Hour of Death

     "Aversion of death is necessary to the survival of the species, rather in the spirit of the French proverb to the effect that fear of the gendarme is the beginning of wisdom (43)."

     To have a healthy fear of death ensures that a person takes the necessary precausions to preserve their own life.  For example, you would not walk across a busy street without looking both ways for fear of being struck and killed by a car.

"an impatience with the affairs of others, a weary wish to be left alone, to 'finish my duties and be gone (43)."

Come Home

I grieve the loss of my mother; yet she is still alive

She walks this Earth, but it is as if she has already gone

Her thoughts are of her brother - long dead

He keeps sending her back from the abyss;

Telling her she has unfinished business

He calls to her from the grave - come home

Finish your business - then come home

                                            -T.M. Allen

"It is just as neurotic in old age not to focus upon the goal of death as it is in youth to repress fantasies which have to do with the future (45)."

     When you reach old age and you realize that your best days are gone and your body aches; you can't help but look upon the inevitable fate that awaits you. When you are young, you think your invinsible.  You can only imagine the future. Some old people, in the end, welcome death and some go kicking and screaming.  I wonder which one I'll be?

"As matters now stand, the bitterness of death makes life more precious to us, especially since physicians can't cure a man once he's dead (46)."

     Once you've experienced the death of a loved one, you realize how precious life really is.  We only have a brief stay here on Earth.  We need to appreciate the people in our lives because, if you live long enough, you will see many of them die before you.

     Once your gone, there's no coming back this way.  Nobody here gets out alive. Life will go on whether we're here or not.  We need to live in the moment and enjoy life while we have it.

   



The Oxford Book of Death: Suicide

 "So proud she was to die

It made us all ashamed

That what we cherished, so unknown

To her desire seemed -

So satisfied to go

Where none of us should be

Immediately - that Anguish stooped

Almost to Jealousy (83)"

     I think that the person the author is talking about in this poem did not think about the people she would leave behind. She was so intent on her end that she could not think about anything but her own pain. That she would value life so little. Her disdain for life is a form of arrogance.

     After the shock and shame comes envy; that her life's worries and struggles are over.  She no longer has to deal with life's trials and tribulations. Her family and friends were left here; abandoned in grief.

Suicide is a very selfish act.

     The people that are left behind are confused and filled with shame. They ask, "Why couldn't they have told someone?"  "Why didn't they ask for help?"  "Did they feel that they had no other options?"  Having had a brother commit suicide when I was a young girl, I know the feelings of shame and confusion.  Those questions don't get answered, you go on for the rest of your life asking "Why," and "If only...."

       We all have to die at some point.  We all live with that inevitability.  But to actually give up your life and have no regard for its sanctity, flies in the face of the accepted "norm."

"There are certainly far more people who do not kill themselves because they are too cowardly to do so than those who kill themselves out of cowardice...(86)."

     The uncertainty of what happens after death is usually enough of a deterent for most people.  A healthy dose of fear has helped to keep the human race from dying out. Most people's survival instincts will kick in and prevent them from even thinking about taking their own life.

     The ones that do succeed in taking their own lives are viewed as cowards in our society.  They are seen as weak because they could not cope. The act of suicide goes against human nature.  Life is a gift that should be cherished, not carelessly thrown away. Once your dead there is no chance for redemption.

The Sacred Art of Dying: How World Religions Understand Death

Pleasure is brief as a flash of lightening

Or like an Autumn shower, only for a moment...

Why should I then covet the pleasures

 you speak of?

I see your bodies are full of all impurity?:

Birth and Death, sickness and age are yours.

I see the highest prize, hard to attain by men-

The true and constant wisdom of the wise (46)

     Buddha was referring to the fact that human beings are driven by human desires and pleasures.  It was his intent to rid himself of these desires and pleasures and he sought to achieve enlightenment.  He knew that human life is fleeting and would one day come to an end.  He felt trapped in his human body.  He saw the human flesh as weak and susceptible to disease and would eventually circum to temptation. Not many human beings are even capable of thinking this way.  Most people are too selfish and egocentric to want to give up the desires and pleasures of the flesh for spiritual or intellectual enlightenment.

Success Built To Last; Creating a Life That Matters:  Portfolio of Passions - It's Not About Balance

     "If I see something I don't like, I try to change it and if I can't change it, I change my position of looking at it, and then by seeing it from a different angle, I might be able to change it, or I might find some good in it that I can use, which might make it change itself. "If you find that the world just won't work the way you want it to - if you can't make the things happen despite your very best effort - then change the way you look at it (51)."                                           - Mya Angelou

     I think Mya Angelou hit the nail right on the head. If your life is not working for you, maybe you need to step back and look at things from a different perspective.  Put a positive spin on things.  Try to glean from it something that you can ultimtely use in a beneficial way.

"As culturally defined, balance is in fact bullshit - as a popular concept it ranks right up there with the idea that there is just one passion for your life, and when you know what it is, you'll be happy.  It rarely works that way (53)."

     I don't know how many times I've hear people say, "I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up."  Most people spin their wheels all their lives and never find it.  The reason they never find it is because it doesn't exist.  They are searching for this concept of happiness (this impossible dream).  As a society, we have set ourselves up for failure.  There is no silver bullet. 

     I bought into this illusion too.  Don't just do one thing you love; do everything you love.  By limiting ourselves to one thing, we tend to put off till tomorrow all of the things in our lives that give us pleasure.  Just because it doesn't make you money doesn't mean it has no value.